Can We Just Talk?: Communication

Can We Just Talk?: Dig A Little Deeper

Intro:

“Are we really doing this again?”, “Are we really going to fight about this same thing again?”, “Are you really going to go there?!” YES WE ARE! You would think that after years of marriage my wife and I would have figured out how to have healthy and effective communication. Or depending on the day healthy and effective conflict. But if we’re being honest, we’re still working on it. :)

The reality is that we’re never going to fully arrive. There’s never going to be a day when we say “Look at us, perfect communication, perfect marriage.” It’s just not going to happen! But we are also never going to settle for where we are in our communication. There’s so much room for growth, wisdom, and re-tooling.

Question: How many would say “I need help to be a better communicator in my relationships, in my marriage, or with my kids”?

Our communication style is a combination of our past experiences, current relationships, the season we’re in, unique personalities, and a desire to grow. Simple right?! No matter your upbringing or personality, there is no good excuse for being a bad communicator. In God’s Word we’re given clear instruction on how to have healthy and effective communication. You may not be where you want to be, but you’re also not where you have to be. Let’s dive deep into God’s Word, really lean in, and let’s allow the Holy Spirit to reveal where we need to grow in the area of communication.

Passage: Matthew 12:34 NLT

“For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.”

Pray:

Title: Dig A Little Deeper

Big Idea: It’s less about what you say and more about what you seek

Main Points: 5 Principles for Healthy & Effective Communication

1. Your company is shaping your communication

   1. No Company: “One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound wisdom.” - ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:1‬ ‭CSB‬‬

      1. You are never more susceptible to attacks from the enemy than when you are isolated from Godly community.
      2. “But Ps. Parker, I don’t know where to turn, I don’t know who to reach out to, I’ve never had people in my life to give me sound wisdom.” If that’s you here today then I want to encourage you in something… join a Crew. In a crew you are going to have Crew Captains that will walk alongside your journey. You’re going to be surrounded by other believers that can speak truth over your life.
      3. There appears to be an order, isolation leads to the pursuit of selfish desires, and selfish desires leads to rebellion against sound wisdom.

      4. Sound wisdom is not going to shame you, sound wisdom is not going to criticize you, sound wisdom is not going to speak to your past.

         1. Sound wisdom is going to build you up! Sound wisdom is going to bring you into a greater community. Sound wisdom is going to tell you that your best days are ahead of you!
         2. You’re never going to be worse off due to sound wisdom.
            2. Bad Company: “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”” - 1 Corinthians 15:33 CSB

      5. If you’re surrounding yourself with negativity and gossip, you’re going to be negative and a gossiper

      6. I would suggest that good company corrects bad morals and bad company corrupts good morals.
      7. Question: Have you noticed a slow decline in the language that you use?
      8. Story: I remember in college, I started hanging around people that were sarcastic and cynical. I really enjoyed their company and always thought to myself “I’ll be the positive and optimistic one in the friend group. And maybe I’ll make a positive impact.” The reality is that I never made anyone more positive or optimistic, but over time I became increasingly more sarcastic and cynical.
      9. You will sound like whoever you are surrounded by. This is true on both sides of the conversation.

      10. What you fill up with is eventually going to pour out of you.

          3. Wise Company: “The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm.” - Proverbs 13:20 CSB

      11. Check your circle - What does it say of your future if you are the sum total of the 5 closest people around you?

      12. Question: How do you know if someone is wise?

          1. Look at their priorities and relationships.
          2. How are they spending their time?
          3. What type of language do they use?

          4. Are they humble and generous? 3. Being wise has NOTHING to do with lofty language, but has EVERYTHING to do with a faithful lifestyle.

          5. Are they faithful to God’s Word

          6. Faithful in prayer
          7. Faithful in their relationships 4. Notice a key word in this passage “become…” You are not yet wise, but you are becoming wise. You’re not where you want to be, but you are becoming. We make decisions every day that will shape who we are becoming. And Scripture teaches us that in order to become wise, you have to surround yourself with the wise. 5. Ask wise people question -- I got a text one time that said “What questions do you ask Jess when you are on a date?” That’s a great question. 6. Safety in Numbers: “Without guidance, a people will fall, but with many counselors there is deliverance.” - Proverbs 11:14 CSB
          8. It’s what you say and how you say it
             1. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “It’s not what you say, but how you say it?” While there is some truth to that, the reality is that it is obviously both. “You look so ugly today” is not going to cut it no matter how you say it. “You drive me insane!” is never going to end well for anybody.
             2. Reactive Example: “A fool’s lips lead to strife, and his mouth provokes a beating. A fool’s mouth is his devastation, and his lips are a trap for his life.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:6-7‬ ‭CSB‬‬

      13. Story: I get misunderstood all the time. My over enthusiasm often comes across as sarcasm. At Sanitas Brewing the other day at a birthday party I saw a group playing Settlers Of Catan, and I said now that’s a great day! “Living the Dream.” And they got offended... they got visibly annoyed. They are “are you serious or just being a jerk” basically. I WAS SO SERIOUS.

      14. Question: does anybody know someone that uses a lot of exclamation points? That person is either really excited or they are really angry right?

      15. “If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless and he deceives himself.” - ‭‭James‬ ‭1:26‬ ‭CSB‬‬

          3. Proactive Example: “Lord, set up a guard for my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips.” - ‭‭Psalms‬ ‭141:3‬ ‭CSB‬‬

      16. You are either building bridges or bars

      17. “An offended brother is harder to reach than a fortified city, and quarrels are like the bars of a fortress.” - Proverbs 18:19
      18. If we’re going to a people that offend, then let it be the Gospel of Jesus Christ that offends them and not our hate filled, negative, cynical, or critical words!
          4. How you say it…
      19. Soft Answer: “A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.” - Proverbs‬ ‭15:1
      20. Selfless Deeds: “If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat, and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink; for you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.” - Proverbs 25:21-22
      21. Sincere Prayer: “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” - Matthew 5:44

      22. The purpose in questions and art of listening

          1. “The one who gives an answer before he listens — this is foolishness and disgrace for him.” - Proverbs‬ ‭18:13‬ ‭CSB‬‬
          2. So much of our miscommunication struggles can be resolved with regular and authentic questions. Not seeking to be heard, but seeking to understand.
          3. Questions: “How are you doing?”, “What did I say that hurt you?”, “How can I love you better in this season?”
          4. ‬‬“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.” - James‬ ‭1:19-20‬ ‭CSB‬‬
          5. Assume the best, own the rest

      23. It’s also called, extending grace and giving space.

      24. “It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” - ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭CSB‬‬
      25. We all could do better at both
      26. Question: What benefit comes from assuming the worst and blaming someone else?
      27. It’s hard to learn a new language
          1. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” - ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:21‬ ‭CSB‬‬
          2. Illust: Learning Spanish in Colombia. Immersion achieves the highest results. Learn the meaning of new words. Maybe you find yourself saying the right words, the wrong way.
          3. There’s a difference in questioning and hearing, and asking quality questions and listening.
          4. It’s time to remove some language from your vocabulary and learn a new language of honor, respect, mercy, grace, and love.
          5. Our words carry more power than you realize. They carry more weight than you could possibly imagine. They literally have the power of death and life.
          6. Jesus didn’t come just so that you could learn a new language, he came so that you could live a new life!
      28. It’s less about what you say and more about what you seek
          1. “For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart.” - Matthew‬ ‭12:34‬ ‭CSB‬‬
          2. Question: What are you saying with your mouth? The real question is “What are you seeking with your heart?” Is it love? Is it grace? Is it truth? IS IT JESUS?
          3. “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be provided for you.” - Matthew 6:33 CSB

Closing: Dig A Little Deeper

If your communication is struggling, you can’t seem to connect with your spouse, your kids are saying one thing but it seems like there’s something else going on, DIG A LITTLE DEEPER. Look beyond the words that are coming out of their mouth and try to get to the root of what is going on in their heart.

Walking Points:

1. Get alone with God “Can we just talk”
2. Go on a date with your spouse “Can we just talk”
3. Go on a walk with your friend “Can we just talk”