Hurt People Hurt People: Forgiven People, Forgive People

February 8th, 2026/Seventh Day Adventist

Intro: Last week we started a new series called Hurt People, Hurt People. And we talked about the wound beneath the reaction. How sometimes the moment is small but your reaction is huge. Not because the moment was huge, but because it touched something deeper.

Some of you left last week thinking, okay, I see the wound. I can name it. I know what’s underneath. But now what? Because you can identify a wound and still stay stuck in it. You can understand why you react the way you react and still keep repeating the same patterns. And that is why today matters. Because one of the most common ways wounds stay open is unforgiveness.

Unforgiveness is like keeping a splinter in your soul and then wondering why every time you bump it, you overreact. Unforgiveness is like leaving poison in the system and then acting surprised that the body keeps getting sick. And some of you are thinking, okay, you are about to preach on forgiveness. I already know I am supposed to forgive. Yes. And you also already know you are supposed to eat healthy and get enough sleep. But knowing and doing are not the same. Am I talking to anybody out there today?

So today I want to do two things.

1. I want to give you a clear biblical picture of forgiveness. What it is and what it is not.
2. And then I want to spend most of our time getting extremely practical.

Because I know what some of you are carrying.

• Some of you are trying to forgive someone who abused you.
• Some of you are trying to forgive betrayal, adultery, someone who lied to you, manipulated your words, and tried to ruin your name.
• Or maybe you’re trying to forgive a parent who was supposed to protect you but did not or a leader who used spiritual language to control you.
• And we’re all trying to forgive someone who never apologized, never owned it, never even acknowledged what they did.

So I am not going to stand up here and do a cute forgiveness talk. Let’s just all hold hands, sing kumbaya and act like everything is ok. No, we’re going to get real. And we are going to get free.

Because you cannot live healed with unforgiveness in your heart.

You can function. You can survive. You can look fine. You can even be spiritual. But you cannot be free. And the reason is simple. Unforgiveness does not just remember pain. Unforgiveness preserves pain. It keeps it alive and active.

So let’s pray, and then we are going to go to the Word.

Pray:

Main Points:

Point 1: The Root That Spreads

I want to start with a verse that is so clear and so sobering.

Hebrews 12:15 CSB says this.

“Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and defiling many.” - Hebrews 12:15 CSB

A root of bitterness springs up, causes trouble, and defiles many. That means bitterness does not stay private. Bitterness does not stay contained. Bitterness spreads. It leaks, stains everything, and defiles many. Not just you… many!

1. Your home.
2. Your marriage.
3. Your friendships.
4. Your leadership.
5. Your parenting.
6. Your tone.
7. Your assumptions.
8. Your nervous system.

Because bitterness changes the way you interpret everything.

1. Bitterness makes you suspicious.
2. Bitterness makes you sharp.
3. Bitterness makes you defensive.
4. Bitterness makes you easily offended.
5. Bitterness makes you keep score.
6. Bitterness makes you punish people with silence.
7. Bitterness makes you talk about people instead of to people.
8. Bitterness makes you relive it.

Over and over.

And here is what is wild. Bitterness is often the thing we think is protecting us. We think, if I hold onto this, I will not get hurt again. But what if holding onto it is the thing keeping you hurt? What if the root of bitterness is not protecting you from pain, it is producing pain? Hurt people hurt people. And one of the fastest ways hurt spreads is unforgiveness.

Let me say it like this.

Unforgiveness is hurt that has decided to move in. It is pain that has made itself at home. It is a wound that refuses to close. It’s time we take a serious look on the inside and identify the bitterness and say “You are no longer welcome here!”

Point 2: The Debt Created By Sin

Now I want to give you a simple framework that will help you understand forgiveness. When someone sins against you, a debt is created. They took something. They stole something. Maybe they stole your trust, your innocence, your peace of mind, your reputation, years of your life, or your sense of safety. Something was taken. And in your heart you feel it, even if you cannot explain it. You feel, they owe me.

They owe me an apology.

They owe me repair.

They owe me what I lost.

That is why forgiveness is hard. Because the debt feels real.

And then we hear a command like, forgive them, and we think, so I am just supposed to act like it did not happen? No! Forgiveness is not pretending the debt did not exist. Forgiveness is deciding what to do with the debt.

Pastor Timothy Keller speaks directly to what we do with the debt. As he puts it, to forgive is to absorb the debt yourself rather than demand payment. Absorbing the debt. Rather than demanding payment.

That means when you forgive, you are saying, I am not making you pay me back emotionally. I am not going to keep you in jail in my mind. I am not going to rehearse this and punish you with it. I am not going to hold this over your head forever. I release the debt.

Now immediately some of you feel the tension. Because you are thinking, but if I release the debt, then they got away with it. If I forgive, then there is no justice. If I forgive, then what they did gets minimized. No. Forgiveness is not the denial of justice. Forgiveness is transferring justice.

You are saying, I am not the judge. God is. Romans 12:19 CSB says, “Friends, do not avenge yourselves; instead, leave room for God’s wrath.” So forgiveness is not saying, no justice. Forgiveness is saying, not my hands. Not my bitterness. Not my revenge. I trust God. I’m going to leave room for God to be the judge.

Point 3: Forgiveness Is Not The Same As Trust

This is one of the most important things I will say today. Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing. Forgiveness is given. Trust is earned. Forgiveness is a decision of the heart. Trust is a process built over time.

Some of you stayed in toxic patterns because someone taught you that forgiving means you have to immediately reconcile and act like nothing happened. No. Sometimes forgiveness leads to reconciliation. Sometimes it does not. Sometimes reconciliation is not wise, safe, or possible. But you can forgive without reconciliation.

You can release the debt without rebuilding the relationship.

You can forgive and still have boundaries.

You can forgive and still report abuse.

You can forgive and still tell the truth.

You can forgive and still say, you do not get access to me like that anymore.

Forgiveness is not enabling. Forgiveness is not putting yourself back in harm’s way. Forgiveness is releasing what they owe you into the hands of God. That is why Jesus can command forgiveness and still call people to wisdom.

Point 4: We Forgive Because We Have Been Forgiven

Forgiveness is central to the Gospel.

“Let all bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander be removed from you, along with all malice. And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.” - Ephesians 4:31–32 CSB

There it is. Forgive one another, just as God forgave you in Christ.

“…bearing with one another and forgiving one another if anyone has a grievance against another. Just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you are also to forgive.” - Colossians 3:13 CSB

We forgive from forgiveness. We do not forgive because people deserve it. We forgive because we did not deserve it.

Forgiven people forgive people. And here is a sentence I want you to grab. If you want to be free, you cannot keep holding people hostage. Because what you are holding is not them. It is you.

You cannot carry bitterness and carry freedom at the same time.

You cannot carry resentment and carry healing at the same time.

Point 5: The Hard Words Of Jesus

Now I want to take you to the words of Jesus that make everybody uncomfortable.

“For if you forgive others their offenses, your heavenly Father will forgive you as well. But if you don’t forgive others, your Father will not forgive your offenses.” - Matthew 6:14–15 CSB

Okay. That is intense. So what is Jesus saying? Jesus is not saying you lose your salvation every time you struggle. Jesus is saying something deeper. A heart that has truly received mercy becomes a heart that gives mercy. If you refuse to forgive, it reveals something about what you believe about the gospel.

Because you cannot say, God has forgiven me for everything, and then refuse to forgive anyone for anything. At the very least, unforgiveness blocks intimacy with God. It hardens the heart. And if you keep resisting the Spirit, you can get to a place where you do not even recognize grace anymore.

So if you feel that verse and it scares you, let it do its work. Not to shame you. But to wake you up. Because Jesus is not trying to threaten you into forgiveness. He is trying to free you through forgiveness.

Point 6: The Parable That Explains The Whole Thing

I want to give you the clearest teaching Jesus ever gave on this from Matthew 18. Peter comes to Jesus and asks the question everybody wants to ask, but nobody wants to live.

“Lord, how often must I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? As many as seven times?” - Matthew 18:21–22 CSB

Now pause. Peter thinks he is being generous. Seven times is a lot, Peter. I mean, how many of you would have said 5??? Or maybe 3???

Jesus says, “I tell you, not as many as seven,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven.” Jesus is not giving you math. Jesus is giving you a lifestyle. A forgiving heart is not counting. Then Jesus tells a parable about a servant who owes an unpayable debt.

Parable: The King That Forgives Fully:

This servant had a debt that he couldn’t possibly repay, but the gracious king forgave him of all of his debts. Then that servant goes out and finds someone who owes him a much smaller debt, and he chokes him and demands payment. And when the king finds out, he is furious. Because the whole point is this. When you have been forgiven a debt you could never repay, it changes how you handle the debts people owe you. Are you starting to see it? Can you feel where this is heading?

Now please hear me. Jesus is not saying your pain is small. He is not minimizing what happened to you. He is saying the mercy you have received is meant to reshape your heart.

Point 7: Now Let’s Get Practical

Now I want to address what I started this message with. I want to answer the question, I want to forgive, but how do I actually do that? Because for a lot of people, forgiveness feels like this foggy spiritual concept. Like, “okay, I guess I forgive them.” But what does that even mean?

I want to give you a practical path. And I am going to say something right here that I think will help a lot of you… lean in. Forgiveness is often not a moment. It is a process.

Sometimes there is a moment where you decide, today I release it.

But then your feelings will try to bring it back tomorrow. So forgiveness can be a decision you make once and then reinforce many times.

Your nervous system remembers. Your mind replays. Your heart recoils. And you have to keep bringing it back to the cross. So here is the path.

Step 1: Name The Debt Honestly

You cannot forgive what you will not name. Some of you say, I forgave, but you never said what it was. You never admitted how deep it cut. You never acknowledged what it cost you. You tried to forgive in denial. And denial is not forgiveness. Denial is avoidance. Psalm 62:8 says, “Pour out your hearts before him. God is our refuge.”

So do it! In the words of Shia LaBeouf
https://youtu.be/ZXsQAXx_ao0?si=feIyDqC7XtwIgMyb

So let’s do it. It might sound something like this…

God, they betrayed me.

God, they stole my childhood.

God, they humiliated me.

God, they broke trust.

God, they lied about me.

God, they controlled me.

God, they abandoned me.

God, they used me.

Be honest.

Some of you have been trying to forgive politely, but your soul is screaming. So pour it out before God. Not because God needs the information, but because you need freedom.

Step 2: Separate Forgiveness From Excusing

This is where a lot of people get stuck. They think forgiving means calling evil good. No. Forgiveness calls it what it is and releases it anyway. Forgiveness says, it was wrong, and I am not carrying it. Forgiveness says, it was sin, and I am giving it to God. Forgiveness says, it wounded me, but it will not define me.

Step 3: Release Your Right To Revenge

Forgiveness is when you stop demanding payment. You stop collecting emotional interest, fantasizing about them finally getting what they deserve, rehearsing the speech you would give if you had the chance. Stop building your case. This is the moment you say, God, I release the debt.

You do not have to feel ready to do this to do it. Feelings follow decisions. Sometimes the heart catches up later. So you pray it.

Jesus, I release the debt.

Jesus, I release my right to punish them in my mind.

Jesus, I release my right to make them pay.

Jesus, I place this in your hands.

Some of you keep replaying it because it is the only way you feel like you have power. Because if you stop replaying it, it feels like you are letting them win. But replaying it is not power. It is a prison.

Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person gets sick.

Step 4: Stop Rehearsing The Offense

One of the most common ways unforgiveness stays alive is rehearsal. You relive the moment, imagine what you should have said and write the speech. And your brain is doing it because it is trying to protect you. But it is also keeping you stuck.

Philippians 4:8 says, “dwell on these things.” That verse is not telling you to pretend everything is fine. It is telling you that your mind is a garden, and what you keep watering grows.

So here is a practical tool. When the replay starts, do not follow it. Name it. That’s the loop. That’s the movie. That’s the courtroom. And then redirect. Jesus, I release them again. Jesus, guard my heart. Jesus, heal me. That is warfare for a lot of you. And you are not weak because you have to do it repeatedly. You are healing.

Step 5: Pray Blessing Over Them

This is the Navy Seals of forgiveness right here. This is Jesus level forgiveness. Hear me out…

“Love your enemies, do what is good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” - Luke 6:27–28 CSB

Jesus does not say, feel warm feelings. He says, pray. And some of you are thinking, I cannot pray blessing over them. Okay, start honest. This has been my trick over the years. I actually had to do this with one of my neighbors and it works.

Jesus, I do not want to bless them.

Jesus, I want justice.

Jesus, I want them to see what they did.
Jesus, I want their house to burn down… wait… too far… too honest. Live in your healing!

And then say, but I trust you. I release them. And over time, your prayers change. Because you cannot consistently pray and consistently hate. Prayer breaks chains. Maybe not theirs, but it surely sets you free.

Final step, and this happens after the process of forgiveness…

Step 6: Set Boundaries As Needed

Let me say this clearly. Forgiveness does not mean access. Forgiveness does not mean you have to meet for coffee. Forgiveness does not mean you have to send a text. Forgiveness does not mean you have to reopen the relationship. Some of you are like, I forgave, so now I guess I should let them back in. No.

You can forgive and still have wisdom, still say, I love you, but I cannot trust you, still say, I will not put my kids in that environment, and still say, you need help, and you do not get to keep hurting people. Sometimes forgiveness is internal, settled with God, and the boundary stays.

Invitation:

“Forgiveness means absorbing the debt yourself rather than demanding payment.”

That is exactly what Jesus did. Jesus absorbed the debt. He did not demand you pay him back. He did not say, I will forgive you after you clean yourself up. He did not say, I will forgive you when you finally get it together. He paid the debt. He absorbed it. And if you want a picture of it, look at the cross.

Jesus says, “Father, forgive them, because they do not know what they are doing.” - Luke 23:34 CSB

They are actively hurting him. They have not apologized. They are not remorseful. They are mocking. And Jesus forgives. That is not weakness. That is the strongest love the world has ever seen. And here is what I want you to see. When Jesus forgave you, he did not pretend your sin was not serious. He died for it! He didn’t just forgive, He paid the debt in full!

He took it seriously enough to absorb it. So the cross is not God minimizing sin. The cross is God paying for sin. That means your forgiveness is not denial. It is Christlike. It is choosing to release the debt because you trust God with justice and you want freedom more than revenge.

You cannot give what you have not received. Some of you are trying to forgive while you still feel condemned by your own past. Some of you are trying to forgive from an empty tank. So I want to bring you to the starting point. Receive. Receive mercy. Receive grace. Receive forgiveness. Ephesians says, forgive one another, just as God forgave you in Christ.

That means the source is not you. The source is Him.

Now I want to give you a moment to do what I described. Not the awkward thing where you have to go find the person and announce, I forgive you. Let’s be honest, more often than not, that is not wise. And sometimes it is not safe. Sometimes it is just weird. And sometimes the other person is like, okay, I did not ask for this.

Forgiveness is primarily a God moment. So I want to lead you in a prayer that is about settling it with God. And I want you to picture the person, the situation, the betrayal, the wound. And I want you to name the debt. And then I want you to release it.

PAUSE: If you are willing, pray this quietly with me.

Jesus, I bring you the wound.

Jesus, I name the debt.

They hurt me.

They took something from me.

They owe me.

And today, I release the debt.

I am not demanding payment.

I am not holding it over them.

I am not carrying this anymore.

I place justice in your hands.

I place my pain in your hands.

Heal me.

Free me.

Bind up my wound.

Guard my heart.

And teach me to forgive the way you forgave me.

In Jesus’ name, amen.

Now I want to talk to the person who realizes something right now.

You realize you have never truly received forgiveness from Jesus.

You have been around church. You know the language. But you have never surrendered. And today you feel it. You feel the weight of unforgiveness. You feel the weight of sin. You feel the weight of carrying things you were never meant to carry.

And Jesus is here, not to shame you, but to save you. The gospel is not that you become good enough. It is that Jesus was good enough. The gospel is not that you pay your debt. It is that Jesus absorbed it. So if you want to receive grace and forgiveness today, I want to invite you.

If that is you, then join me in this prayer:

Jesus, I acknowledge that I need you.

I confess that I have sinned against you.

I believe that God has raised you from the dead.

And right now, by faith, I say “Jesus is Lord”

Thank you for forgiving me,

By your grace I am saved

And by your power I am set free!

PAUSE

Hurt people hurt people.

But forgiven people forgive people.

And forgiven people start healing people.

Closing Prayer and Altar Moment