My Approach to Officiating and Ongoing Marriage Care

These are my pastoral practices and convictions. They are not rules for every pastor. Settle your own before a couple asks, and follow your church's and denomination's requirements.

Who I marry

I personally don't like marrying somebody that I do not know. It is not to say that I would never do that, but I would encourage that person to find somebody that they know and are close to before asking me.

I do not marry people that are unequally yoked. Meaning that one spouse is a believer, and the other is not. I will, however, marry two believers and two nonbelievers. My pastor always told me that marrying a couple who are not believers is a great opportunity for evangelism.

If marrying two nonbelievers, I would still do the exact same marriage counseling that I would do if they were two believers. The goal is to present a biblical model for marriage and to show what it would look like going into marriage without a foundation in their faith.

What do you do with two Christian people wanting to get married, but are currently living together, or have children and are living together? I would still marry them, but I would ask them to honor God by not sleeping together until their wedding night, and I would encourage them to get married very quickly!

I do not marry people of the same gender. I do not believe that that is biblical or appropriate for pastors.

Counseling comes with it

I only marry people that I do marriage counseling with.

My three reasons and the way I run the sessions are in Resource 2.

My practice on wedding honorariums

I do not ask for an honorarium or for them to cover travel expenses. I consider it an honor and blessing to marry people and I leave it up to them on if they want to compensate or not.

After the wedding

I want to look back in 30 years and know that the majority of the people I married are still married.

• I use the same tool I use for premarital counseling with "current married couples for a check in."
• Three steps I give couples who are struggling to communicate: "Get alone with God. Go on a date with your spouse. Go on a walk with a trusted friend."
• The five things Jess and I have learned are in Resource 2.

An optional check-in rhythm

• ☐ A message a month after the wedding
• ☐ A meal or a call around six months
• ☐ A note on the first anniversary
• ☐ An open door: tell them on the wedding day that they can always call

When a couple is in trouble

• Listen to both of them before you advise.
• Know the counselors in your area and refer early.
• If there is abuse or coercion, safety comes first. See Resource 2.