Couple Meeting and Premarital Preparation Guide

Why I do this with every couple

I only marry people that I do marriage counseling with. I do this for several different reasons. One, I want to ensure that I have had appropriate time to present the gospel and disciple them on marriage. Two, I want the marriage to not only survive, but thrive for the long haul. I want to look back in 30 years and know that the majority of the people I married are still married. And three, I want to see if there is anything glaring in the relationship that they may have overlooked. If they discover something about each other and choose not to get married, then that is better than them finding out after marriage and getting a divorce.

The first meeting

Allow about an hour.

• Hear their story: how they met, how they got engaged, what they love about each other.
• Ask each of them about their faith.
• Explain how you work: what you ask of couples, how many sessions, and what you will and will not do (see Resource 5).
• Get the basics: date, place, planner or coordinator, size of the wedding.
• Set the dates for your sessions before they leave.

The tool I use

I use Prepare and Enrich for marriage counseling, and for current married couples for a check in.

That is my practice, not an endorsement or a requirement. Nothing from that tool is reproduced here. If you want to use it or any other assessment, check its own training and access requirements. You can prepare a couple well without one.

A simple set of sessions

Here is a simple set of sessions you can adapt. Use as many as you need.

Session 1: The Gospel and the foundation

• Present the Gospel plainly. For me this is the first reason for premarital counseling.
• Picture a triangle with each of you at a bottom corner and the Lord at the top. As you each grow closer to Jesus, you grow closer together.
• Read Matthew 19:5-6.

Session 2: Commitment

• "A successful marriage is not defined by the absence of conflict, it is defined by the presence of commitment."
• "The most exciting days are ahead but the hardest days are ahead also."
• Read 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 and Ecclesiastes 4:9-12.

Session 3: Communication and conflict

From Parker's teaching "The Art of Communication":

• "So much of communication is about learning not lecturing."
• "Extend grace, give space."
• Questions to practice with each other: "How are you doing?" "What did I say that hurt you?" "What did you mean when you said ___?" "How can I support you better in this season?" "How is our pace this season?" "Is there anything you need from me?"
• "Jess and I made a commitment early in our marriage that we were going to honor one another privately and publicly."
• Read James 1:19-20 and Proverbs 18:13.

Session 4: Serving each other

From the teaching "I Need You", which works through Ephesians 5:22-33:

• "Men & Women are EQUAL!"
• "Submission not servitude."
• "Serving not dictating... the best leadership is servant leadership not dictatorship."
• "God didn't call the husband to lead with an iron fist but hands that serve."
• "The point is not perfection. It's growing together."

Session 5: Intimacy, family and money

• Parker's definition: "Sex that brings glory to God and lasting pleasure to each other is the emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual act of covenant love, mutual submission, and intimate discovery between a husband and a wife."
• Children and faith at home: read Deuteronomy 6:4-9. "Truth must be in you before it can be taught to others."
• Money, in-laws and expectations. Discussion starter: "How was money handled in the home you grew up in, and what do you expect now?"

Session 6: Planning the ceremony

Ask the couple:

• Vows: repeat after me, answer "I do," write their own, or a combination?
• Communion: yes or no? Just the two of them, or an invitation to others?
• Will someone give the bride away? What words do they want used?
• Who would they like to pray, and is anyone uncomfortable being prayed over or touched?
• Any family situations you should know about before the rehearsal?
• How do they want to be introduced at the end?
• Phones and photos during the ceremony?
• The marriage license: who brings it, who signs, who files? Verify the requirements where the wedding takes place.

Things Jess and I have learned along the way

1. Dialogue daily, date weekly, depart quarterly
2. Don't compare, don't compete, do compliment
3. Sex on the regular
4. You can have control or you can have intimacy, but you can't have both
5. God first, spouse second, kids third, everyone else. The order matters

When something is not ordinary conflict

Every couple argues. Abuse and coercion are something else, and commitment language must never be used to keep someone in danger.

If you are living in an abusive situation, it is not God's desire or design for you to remain in that situation. You should seek immediate help to remove yourself from that situation and find biblical counsel to guide you through your healing and decision making process.

• If you see fear, control, threats or violence, do not treat it as a communication problem and do not work on it in joint sessions.
• Make it possible to speak with each person alone.
• Bring in qualified help: a licensed counselor, a domestic violence service, or emergency services if someone is in danger.
• It is right to pause or decline a wedding.
• Refer on anything beyond your training, including addiction, serious mental health concerns and legal questions.