Marriage & Parenting: Communication

Marriage & Parenting: The Art Of Communication

March 20th, 2022 | Riverside & Lookout

Intro:

“Are we really doing this again?”, “Are we really going to fight about this same thing again?”, “Are you really going to go there?!” YES WE ARE! You would think that after years of marriage my wife and I would have figured out how to have healthy and effective communication. Or depending on the day, healthy and effective conflict. But if we’re being honest, we’re still working on it.

The reality is that we’re never going to fully arrive. There’s never going to be a day when we say “Look at us, perfect communication, perfect marriage.” It’s just not going to happen! But we are also never going to settle for where we are in our communication. We’re never going to give up on learning new tools, better ways to listen, and how to share raw emotions without tearing each other down.

Question: How many would say “I need help to be a better communicator in my relationships, in my marriage, or with my kids”?

Communication is simple. It’s a combination of our past experiences, personal relationships, the current season of life, unique personalities, core convictions, and a desire to grow. Simple right?! No matter your upbringing or personality, there is no good excuse for being a bad communicator. In God’s Word we’re given clear instruction on how to have healthy and effective communication. You may not be where you want to be, but you’re also not where you have to be.

Let’s dive deep into God’s Word, really lean in, and let’s allow the Holy Spirit to reveal where we need to grow in the area of communication.

Passage: Matthew 12:33-37 CSB

33 “Either make the tree good and its fruit will be good, or make the tree bad and its fruit will be bad; for a tree is known by its fruit. 34 Brood of vipers! How can you speak good things when you are evil? For the mouth speaks from the overflow of the heart. 35 A good person produces good things from his storeroom of good, and an evil person produces evil things from his storeroom of evil. 36 I tell you that on the day of judgment people will have to account for every careless word they speak. 37 For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.”

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit. A man who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord. - Proverbs 18:21-22 CSB

Pray:

Title: The Art Of Communication

Big Idea: It’s less about what you say and more about who you seek

“For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” - Matthew 12:34 NLT

Main Points: 5 Principles for Healthy & Effective Communication

1. Your company is shaping your communication

   1. No Company: “One who isolates himself pursues selfish desires; he rebels against all sound wisdom.” - ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:1‬ ‭CSB‬‬

      1. You are never more susceptible to attacks from the enemy than when you are isolated from Godly community.
      2. There appears to be an order, isolation leads to the pursuit of selfish desires, and selfish desires leads to rebellion against sound wisdom.

      3. Isolation makes yourself your own wise counsel. Isolation keeps you in an unhealthy cycle of bad decisions. Isolation separates you from safety.

         2. Bad Company: “Do not be deceived: “Bad company corrupts good morals.”” - 1 Corinthians 15:33 CSB

      4. If you’re surrounding yourself with negativity and gossip, you’re going to be negative and a gossiper

      5. I would suggest that good company corrects bad morals and bad company corrupts good morals.
      6. Question: Have you noticed a slow decline in the language that you use?
      7. Story: I remember in college, I started hanging around people that were sarcastic and cynical. I really enjoyed their company and always thought to myself “I’ll be the positive and optimistic one in the friend group. And maybe I’ll make a positive impact.” The reality is that I never made anyone more positive or optimistic, but over time I became increasingly more sarcastic and cynical.
      8. You will sound like whoever you are surrounded by.

      9. What you fill up with is eventually going to pour out of you.

         3. Wise Company: “The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm.” - Proverbs 13:20 CSB

      10. Question: How do you know if someone is wise?

          1. Look at their priorities and relationships.
          2. How are they spending their time?

          3. What type of language do they use? 2. Being wise has NOTHING to do with lofty language, but has EVERYTHING to do with a faithful lifestyle.

          4. Are they faithful to God’s Word

          5. Faithful in prayer
          6. Faithful in their relationships
          7. Faithful in their marriage
          8. Faithful to love their kids 3. Scripture teaches us that in order to become wise, you have to surround yourself with the wise.
          9. Your communication is built on quality questions
             1. “The one who gives an answer before he listens — this is foolishness and disgrace for him.” - Proverbs‬ ‭18:13‬ ‭CSB‬‬
             2. So much of our miscommunication struggles can be resolved with regular, intentional, and authentic questions. Not seeking to be heard, but seeking to understand.
             3. Questions: “How are you doing?”, “What did I say that hurt you?”, “What did you mean when you said ________?” “How can I support you better in this season?” “How is our pace this season?” “Is there anything you need from me?”
             4. Ask intentional questions when you are driving, around the dinner table, before going to bed, and especially on date nights.
             5. ‬‬“My dear brothers and sisters, understand this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger, for human anger does not accomplish God’s righteousness.” - James‬ ‭1:19-20‬ ‭CSB‬‬
             6. So much of communication is about learning not lecturing.
                1. Illust: If you are a top engineer and you get a 30 minute meeting with Elon Musk, are you going to spend that 30 minutes telling them about your life and your accomplishments? Or are you going to come prepared with quality questions?
             7. Extend grace, give space

      11. It’s also called, extending grace and giving space.

      12. “It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” - ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:7‬ ‭CSB‬‬
      13. Question: What benefit comes from assuming the worst and blaming someone else?

      14. It’s hard to learn a new language

          1. “Death and life are in the power of the tongue,” - ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:21‬ ‭CSB‬‬
          2. Illust: Learning Spanish in Colombia. Immersion achieves the highest results. Learn the meaning of new words. Maybe you find yourself saying the right words, the wrong way.
          3. Immerse yourself with God’s Word, Godly wisdom, and Godly words from the wise.
          4. It’s time to remove some language from your vocabulary and learn a new language of honor, respect, mercy, grace, and love.

      15. Jess and I made a commitment early in our marriage that we were going to honor one another privately and publicly. There’s confidence and safety when you know your partner has your back 100% of the time.

          5. It’s what you say and how you say it

      16. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “It’s not what you say, but how you say it?” While there is some truth to that, the reality is that it is obviously both. “You drive me crazy” is not going to cut it no matter how you say it.

          1. Or how about “You look fine.” (Said in a passive tone and said in a romantic tone.) Do you see the difference? 2. Reactive Example: “A fool’s lips lead to strife, and his mouth provokes a beating. A fool’s mouth is his devastation, and his lips are a trap for his life.” ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭18:6-7‬ ‭CSB‬‬

          2. I didn’t mean to respond that way.

          3. Illust: Responding to my kids and getting angry.

          4. “If anyone thinks he is religious without controlling his tongue, his religion is useless and he deceives himself.” - ‭‭James‬ ‭1:26‬ ‭CSB‬‬ 3. Proactive Example: “Lord, set up a guard for my mouth; keep watch at the door of my lips.” - ‭‭Psalm‬ ‭141:3‬ ‭CSB‬‬

          5. When she says “_________” I’m going to…

          6. You are either building bridges that will bring life and blessing, or you are building bars that lead to division and destruction.
             6. Our words carry more power than you realize. They carry more weight than you could possibly imagine. They literally have the power of death and life.
             7. Jesus didn’t come just so that you could learn a new language, he came so that you could live a new life!

Closing:

If your communication is struggling, you can’t seem to connect with your spouse, your kids are saying one thing but it seems like there’s something else going on, DIG A LITTLE DEEPER. Look beyond the words that are coming out of their mouth and try to get to the root of what is going on in their heart.

“For whatever is in your heart determines what you say.” - Matthew 12:34 NLT

Walking Points:

1. Get alone with God
2. Go on a date with your spouse
3. Go on a walk with a trusted friend

Q&A Passages on Communication:

1. An unreliable messenger stumbles into trouble, but a reliable messenger brings healing. Proverbs 13:17

2. Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19

3. The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences. Proverbs 18:21

4. And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. Matthew 12:36

5. Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish. Proverbs 18:13

6. May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer. Psalm 19:14

7. Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone. Colossians 4:6

8. A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. Proverbs 15:1

9. Avoid godless chatter, because those who indulge in it will become more and more ungodly. 2 Timothy 2:16 NIV

10. From a wise mind comes wise speech; the words of the wise are persuasive. Proverbs 16:23

11. A word fitly spoken and in due season is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Proverbs 25:11 AMP

12. So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbors the truth, for we are all parts of the same body. Ephesians 4:25

13. Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18

14. If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. Matthew 18:15-16

15. The heart of the godly thinks carefully before speaking; the mouth of the wicked overflows with evil words. Proverbs 15:28

16. If you speak to people in words they don’t understand, how will they know what you are saying? You might as well be talking into empty space. 1 Corinthians 14:9

17. Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. Matthew 5:23-24

18. Indeed, we all make many mistakes. For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way. James 3:2

19. The lips of the wise disperse knowledge, But the heart of the fool does not do so. Proverbs 15:7

20. Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one. Matthew 5:37

21. If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 1 Corinthians 13:1