The Hardest Visits

When someone is dying

• Go as soon as you are called. This is the visit you do not put off.
• Speak to the dying person by name, even if they do not respond. Tell them who is in the room.
• Read a short passage from the "near death" row in Resource 4. Pray.
• Give the family room to say what they need to say. You can help by asking, "Is there anything you want to tell her?"
• Do not explain what is happening medically. Let the staff do that.
• Ask the family if they want you to stay or come back. Either answer is fine.
• If the person dies while you are there, stay. Pray with the family. Do not hurry them out of the room.
• Before you leave, find out who is with the family tonight.

When the loss is sudden

An accident, a death no one saw coming, a stillbirth or miscarriage, a death by suicide.

• Go to them. A hospital waiting room, a front porch, a kitchen. Ask where they are and go there.
• Say very little. "I'm so sorry. I'm here."
• Do not explain it. Do not defend God. Do not guess at why.
• Expect shock. People may be numb, angry, or oddly calm. All of it is normal grief. None of it needs correcting.
• Help with the next two hours, not the next two weeks. Who needs to be called. Who is picking up the children. Who is staying tonight.
• Do not raise the funeral unless they do. When they do, the Funeral Ministry Starter Kit on this site covers it.
• When a child has died, or a baby has been lost, use the child's name if the parents have given one.
• After a death by suicide, the family carries questions and often shame. Stay close. Do not speculate about why and do not pass on details to anyone. Point the family to a grief counselor who works with this kind of loss.

When someone may be in danger

You are a pastor. You are not a crisis professional, and this is not the place to act like one. Your job is to stay with the person, bring in the right help, and not carry it alone.

If someone may harm themselves or someone else

• Take it seriously every time. Do not decide on your own that they do not mean it.
• If there is immediate danger, call 911.
• In the United States, the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline can be reached by calling or texting 988. Call with the person if they are willing.
• Do not leave them alone until help has arrived or someone responsible is with them.
• Do not promise to keep it secret. Say, "I care about you too much to keep this to myself."
• Pray with them. Prayer is not a substitute for getting help.

If you learn that a child, an elderly person or a dependent adult is being abused or neglected

• Know before you need it whether your state makes clergy mandatory reporters, what the deadline is, and who you report to. The law differs from state to state. Ask an attorney and your insurer, and write the answer down.
• Report to the authorities. Do not investigate it yourself. Do not confront the accused person first.
• Do not promise a child or a victim that you will keep it secret.
• Follow your church's written policy. If you do not have one, writing it is this month's job.

If an adult tells you their spouse or partner is hurting them

• Believe them. Their safety comes first.
• If there is immediate danger, call 911.
• Do not bring the couple together to talk it through. Do not tell the other person what you were told.
• Connect them with a local domestic violence agency. Have that number on your list before you need it.

Know before you need it

Fill this in on a calm day. Keep it in your phone and in the church office.

When to refer

• When what the person needs is treatment, not a visit. Depression that does not lift, addiction, trauma, thoughts of self-harm.
• When you are out of your depth. Say so plainly: "This is more than I am trained for. I want to help you find someone who is, and I am staying in your corner."
• Referring is not handing someone off. Keep showing up as their pastor.