Family Meeting Guide and Questions

What this meeting is for

You are there to listen first and plan second.

You don't have to rush through these. Sometimes just asking one or two opens up a whole well of what you'll need for the message.

Before you go

• Meet where the family is comfortable, usually their home.
• Allow about an hour. Leave earlier if they are worn out.
• Bring a notebook, this sheet and a pen. Leave the laptop in the car.
• Ask who should be there. Let the family decide.
• Pray before you walk in.

How to open

Sample wording

I know there are no words that can touch the depth of your loss, but I want to be here with you: to listen, to honor [Name], and to help tell [Name]'s story in a way that reflects the love and pain you're holding. When you're ready, I'd love to hear more about who [Name] was to you.

Then say these two things out loud

You can skip any question. If something is too hard today, we leave it.

Nothing you tell me will be shared at the service unless you say it's okay. Before I leave, I'll read back what I'm planning to share so you can tell me yes or no.

The questions

Every question is optional. Questions marked ◆ are sensitive: ask only if the family seems ready, and take "I'd rather not" as a full answer.

1. Presence and comfort

Start here. These are more relational than informational.

• How are you doing right now, really?
• What's been the hardest part these last few days?
• How would you describe the relationship you had with [Name]?
• ◆ Is there anything about these last days that you want me to know?

2. Story and identity

These help you tell the story of a life, beyond how it ended.

• What are some of your favorite memories of [Name]?
• How would you describe [Name]'s personality? What made [Name] who they were?
• What brought [Name] joy? What made [Name] laugh?
• What was [Name] passionate about: hobbies, causes, people?
• Were there people or places that were especially important to [Name]?

3. Faith

• Was [Name] someone of faith? Did [Name] ever talk about God, faith, or eternity?

Write down what they say in their words. Their answer tells you which track to use in Resource 1. If the answer is "I don't know," that is your answer too.

4. The full picture

These acknowledge struggle without shame and affirm dignity.

• ◆ Would you feel comfortable sharing about [Name]'s journey, including the struggles?
• How would you want people to remember [Name]: not just by how [Name] died, but how [Name] lived?
• Are there any things [Name] said recently (words, texts, moments) that felt meaningful?
• ◆ What do you think [Name] would want to say to the people sitting in that room?

5. The service

• Are there any Scriptures, songs, or readings that were meaningful to [Name], or to you, that you'd like included?
• Who do you feel will be attending: mostly people of faith, or a mix?
• What do you want people to walk away feeling or remembering?
• If I could say one thing clearly on your behalf, what would you want it to be?
• Who will give the eulogy? Does anyone else want to speak?
• Would you like an open time for people to share, or would you rather not?
• Will there be a graveside service? Who should be there?
• Will the service be recorded or streamed? Are you comfortable with that?

Tell them what you plan to do

I'll share the hope we have in Jesus and give people a chance to respond. I'll do it with care for everyone in the room.

Confirm what can be shared

Before you leave, read back each story or detail you plan to use and mark one box.

Rules for the sheet:

• Being told something is not permission to repeat it.
• "Not sure" means no until they say yes.
• Ask a parent or guardian before naming a child or sharing anything about one.
• Be most careful with cause of death, health, addiction, family conflict and money.
• Permission for the service is not permission to post online. Ask separately.
• If another story or detail goes into the message later, check it with the family before using it. Confirm separately what may be included in a recording or stream.

After the meeting

• Write up your notes the same day.
• Send the family the order of service to confirm.
• Check name spellings and pronunciations.
• Keep your notes private and limit access to the people responsible for pastoral care. Record what the family has approved for sharing. Handle retention and disposal through your church's established records policy; permission to share and permission to retain are separate questions.